Friday, April 3, 2009

Glorifying mediocrity

Warning - This may hurt your sentiments.
Is it only me who feels the sharp rise in stupid people around them? Have you suddenly started noticing fully grown adults hell bent upon glorifying and publicly broadcasting their own mediocrities. Maybe its because of these social networking websites like Facebook, Orkut, Twitter or maybe its because we were inherently that stupid and these networking websites just gave a vent to our dumb tendencies. Visit any social networking site and you are bound to get overwhelmed with the stupidity of a zillion people. Their dumb "status" updates and their dumb comments on other people's status updates. A 35 year old woman is going through a breakup and she is broadcasting it to her entire group of two hundred people that "boys are stupid". And when she is not going through a break up she is broadcasting how her fucking dog sprays his pee and what part of her bedroom has he crapped in and what color of shit does he excrete. And you'll find two or three of her trusted friends commenting on her broadcasted message on how even their dogs' shit has been green today. I guess it must be Saint Patrick's day then, huh? Dumb bitches. Sometimes nobody replies to her messages and you see her own replies to her own messages. What a fucked up lonely life you must be living. And this is not an isolated case. Its easy to find such dumb-asses everywhere.
I get the concept of status updates, it lets you post something interesting about yourselves, some cool incident or something out of the ordinary, not stuff like "I was totally exhausted in the gym today" (like every other day), and that "Life is tough" (like we don't know that already), and that "I am going downtown for some great food" (like every other fucking weekend). Oh here is another one "KW is busy busy busy"(like we all are lukkhas upto no good). Ah here is an interesting story - one girl in my list was changing the damn carpets in her damn apartment and for that she had to move her stuff off the floor. For one whole month her status updates involved the progress like how she has now trashed that shitload of junk that she had been accumulating all her pathetic life and donated her old shoes and clothes and what not. For one entire month she described how she cleaned up her dingy fucking apartment and solicited advice from everybody in her friends list on what to do of her red platform heels and used hair clips. Who the FUCK cares?

Another self-adulatory bug that has bitten people is childhood pictures. I understand we all find ourselves cute when we were little and I don't mind seeing an occasional childhood picture of my friends. But it gets weird when entire albums are updated with them in different stages of undress, looking like dorks, mouths drooling, smiling, grinning, crying and what not. I don't want so much detail. I don't want to know that one of my friends wore a pink handkerchief as a langoti and that his penis kept slipping out through it. And there will always be some dumb fucking friends of theirs commenting on those photos "oh how cuuuutteeeeeee you look yaaar".

And whats up with all the nostalgia photos. People love to get nostalgic. I get it, its fun to reminisce about your school days, your picnics, your old friends, your college, etc. But for nostalgia to feel valuable it needs time and maybe a few achievements from your side. One gaandu just graduated from a third class college with some worthless degree and is out already posting photos of his college in an album titled "GOOOOODDD OLDDDDD DAYSSSSSSS". "Old DAYSSS DA BESSSSST TIMMEEEEE OFFFFF MYYYY LIFEEEEE".

Its also bewildering to see the bullshit lies they write glorifying themselves. Their profiles are adorned with how smart,beautiful, great, mysterious, philanthropic, ambitious they are. How they want to change the world and run great companies one day. Bullshit I say. Try to first clear that exam that you have been so miserably failing in. When terrorists attacked Mumbai last year one of my friends who was about to travel to India from US updated her status "Soon I will be in Mumbai to heal the grieving". Fucking lying baboons filled with hot-air! When she did go to Bombay her days and nights were spent partying and wasting away as always. Another contact of mine has a habit of starting e-groups "Fight against poverty", "Save Trees", "Save the earth", "Fight against Terrorism" , like he gets up in the morning, brushes his teeth, drinks his coffee, combs his balding head and starts some dumb fucking e-group. This kind of casual join-a-chutiya-group probably dilutes the efforts of those few organizations that are actually doing something worthwhile. People joining these e-groups get a false sense that they are doing something immensely beneficial to the world like "Oh I am part of the 'save the earth' and 'save electricity' and 'earth hour' group, yep, we meet online and talk about fucking bullshit". Another contact who got laid off from his dumb no-brainer job and couldn't find another job here, had to go back to India and is updating his status from India as if he still lives in the US - like how he had a steak-burger and Budweiser from a high end restaurant in Colaba or how he is excited about watching the finale of some dumb fucking American show that he used to follow here. Another one writes that he has thought of a brilliant new business idea that will make him rich - yeah rite - a brilliant idea and you are publicizing it on Facebook ?

And as if thats not enough whats up with the horrible quizzes that they take. I took a couple for trial "do your parents love you" and "what your friends think about you". I mean who the fuck would take that quiz? Shouldn't you already know? And if you don't already know you think a dumb quiz would figure it out for you? Some people say its just for timepass, for fun. Fun? Timepass? Aren't there better things for fun and timepass that you could do? Is your mental level so deep in the gutter that you have to rely on these quizzes for fun? And these quizzes are not like scientifically designed or anything, any dumb fucker anywhere in the world with a computer and an internet connection can write up any nonsense they feel like and call it a quiz.
And its never the people that you consider smart that you see these idiotic items from. The smart ones always have something interesting to say like the places they have been to or cool photographs or some interesting observations or events. Its always the dumb ones who you suspected were dumb right at birth are the ones doing this.

Why are we so hell bent upon patting our own backs, polishing our own behinds like red-ass baboons do to attract mates, congratulating ourselves, trying to figure out all the trivial nuances of our mediocre existence, figuring out our's and others' "personalities" as if it were black or white, figuring out "what people think of us", "do our parents love us", "which city should we be living in", "whats the ideal job for us " and that too from perfectly illegitimate sources. Why do we feel the need to have a graduation party for a 6th grade kid with evening gowns and a rented limo? Is it that hard to pass school?

You say I should just shut up and quit social networking if I have such negative feelings about normal people. But its like a Jerry Springer or a dumb reality TV show; you hate it but you just can't stop watching it. And its an easy way to keep in touch with the people you do appreciate. Maybe its a way to keep in touch with reality, to see what interests people. Maybe its a way to make you feel good about your own existence, by allowing you to deride other people's existences. Maybe I am a dumb bitch too.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Shayari continued ...

Arz kiya hain .....

Dil ke dard ko dil todne waala kya jaane,
pyaar ke rivajo ko ye zaalim zamaana kya jaane,
lagti hain kitni vaat neechey kabar mein,
yeh upper se phool chadhaane waala kya jaane

Naa tum terrace par aati,
Naa main deewaana hota,
Naa tum aankh milaati,
Naa main tumhaara parwaana hota,
Aur naa tum woh patthar maarti,
Naa main aaj kaana hota!

Bhagwaan, Allah sub jagah par hain
Khuda bhi sub jagah par hain
Idhar Khuda hai, udhar Khuda hai,
Jahaan dekho wahaan Khuda hai,
Idhar-udhar bus Khuda hi Khuda hai,
Jidhar nahi khuda hai….udhar kal khudega saala!
(This inspiration probably struck our Shaayar in Bombay while driving on potholes with occasional pieces of road sprinkled in between.)

More can be found here 
Courtesy www.jammag.com

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Batuk Chand

There is a security guard outside a famous bar in Irla,Andheri. Most of you may have seen this bar but may have never been inside because it is a "ladies" bar. This guard is interesting because he is about 2 and a half feet tall. He is a fully grown man but short. Little people they say as a euphemism. This is also strange because this is a ladies bar, a place where testosterone runs high, middle aged men who are mostly well to do and some not so well to do, all married with kids, holding respectable positions in society, bored with their wives, high on the smell of money and horny as hell get drunk and get nasty. How in the world do they expect this guy to break a fight as it usually breaks out. Out of curiosity I asked him one day -
Me - Batuk Chand kaise ko jee. (How are you)
Batuk (smiling) - Bus bhaijaan, masti chal rahi hain. Aap batao. (Just being naughty brother.)
Me - Kuch tamasha hua aaj? (Any fight broke out today)
Batuk (engulfed in smoke coming from my mouth) - Haan woh Bharat bhai ne aaj phir Tania Junior ko propose kiya . (Customer proposed a girl again today for marriage!)
Me (a little surprised that he was a Gujarati) - Woh Bharat Mehta? Gujarati? Arrey uski to shaadi ho chuki hain naa?
Batuk - Arrey "phipty parsant" se jyaada idhar Gujarati bhailog aatein hain. Sub ki shaadi ho chuki hain. (more then fifty percent here are Gujarati, a language my folks speak, so kinda like my community)
Me - waah ri duniya, yeh bataa re, tereko kaise jamta hain yeh bewdey logon ko control karneka? (how can you control these drunkards). Woh sub terese minimum double size ke hain. (they are twice your size)
Batuk - arrey size ka kya karega bhaijaan, lund bhi to badaa hona chahiye naa? Mera sub se badaa hain. Mereko teen (three) paav (legs) hain. (My penis is bigger than them all. So big that I have three legs.)
Me (embarassed imagining Batuk balanced on a tripod) - Arrey yaar, kya bol rahaa hain. (what are you talking about dude.). Achha bataa, yeh sub log idhar kyon aatein hain?
Batuk - seedhi baat hain bhaijaan, aur kuch karne ko nahi hain, life mein aur koi interest nahi, kitaab padhte nahi honge, duniya ki kuch jyaada padi nahi hain, logon ki parvah nahi, jee rahein hain, pee rahein hain, nashe mein jhoom rahein hain. Pahle ladki, phir daaru, phir charas gangaa, (Not much to do in their lives, no interests, no tension, no reading, so they are always looking for the next high, sex, alcohol, drugs, etc.)
Me - waah kya baat kahi hain. Chal meri bus aa gayee, mein jaata hoon. Engineering drawing assignment hain mera kal. (Good philosophy dude, my bus is here, I have a heavy load of engineering drawing to finish tonight.)

He made good company while I waited for the bus sometimes. Batuk Chand. Interesting guy. He was the only earner and had like 5 kids if my memory serves me right.

Another was old Mohammed bhai, outside Sinhal's classes. Bright red hair (natural red head) and bright red beard (artificially dyed). He was always looking after the students waiting like cattle outside their classes at 7 in the morning. Making sure we were all right. Soothing influence. Always remembered my name. Pulkit. Always coerced me to stop smoking. He was a cool guy. Saw him after a long time, had grown much older. Couldn't recognize me.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Repetitive lines in qawwali.

Just something interesting I figured -
The origin of qawwali was without any repetitive lines. Like the song would start and end real soon, in one shot. People weren't paying much for it. The wordings and feelings were beautiful but the artists weren't able to capitalize on this and they were living meagerly. One little newbie punk thought of a revolutionary idea and figured they could bore the audience a little bit and then excite them a little bit. Bold idea because audience can get real nasty sometimes. They tried it one day by saying something like "Artist needs encouragement for singing, so please shower them with $blessings$".  It worked. The Artist would start singing and start repeating the same line without moving forward and some audience would go to the stage and shower them with $blessings$. And hence came the repetitions.  Now its an art form, in the Indian/Pakistan royal gharaanas who still pursue such fading but unbelievably brilliant  art forms of India. "Thoda abhi, thoda baadmein."

Another random etiquette if you ever go to a qawwali concert - don't ever "throw" money on the performers. They are very respected and there is no direct contact with them. Walk slowly towards them, smiling, with respect and leave the money near his feet. You can dance a little bit if you want. You can usually tell the novices from the gharaanawaalas by how respectful they are.

Blog quality

I use a service that tells me what people search for when they end up on my blog. At first I didn't pay much attention to it but now the more I analyze it the more concerned I get. It seems some considerable amount of interesting people are landing on my blog. I am sure many of the readers are perfectly normal people but I seriously doubt the purpose of these random people and their lifestyles who land on my blog after google searches. Here a few terms that led to my blog, mainly from Mumbai and Delhi....

how to get desi aunty in bed.
punjabi aunty love.
chikni girls of dombivli in train.
thoking kaamwaali bai.
pyaari si sexy teacher on bed lying nanga on bed loving loving.

getting tution teacher history Padma to cry
Making neighbour boy loving not hating
doing hiding pyaar in baaju waala green park.
bad smell sandhaas of wife

I am wondering what kind of junk am I writing that this is happening. I need to write more sensible stuff like emotions, passions, dreams, love, heartbreak, ambition, altruism, higher goals, achieving your true potential, being strong and kind, but never never never never never ......trying to get tution teacher Padma to cry!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Must watch - new movies

Some of the new movies that are a must see -
1) Yun hota to kya hota
2) Mumbai meri jaan
3) Dasvidaniya
4) Oye Lucky, Lucky Oye
5) Sirf

to be cont'd....

Friday, January 9, 2009


    At the risk of offending some Amir Khan fanatics I will go ahead and say Ghajini was a total letdown. Mindless violence (if I really wanted just gore there is much better stuff out there), Amir's weird angry contorted facial expressions, Asin's cheesy acting and her countless repetitive dialogues on how Sanjay Singhania fell for her, her oh-so-touching "help the apaahijh people" nature (I am sure even a guy like Ghajini would help a blind person cross the street if he ever came across him), Amir's business attire with tight-sleeves folded all the way to his neck (like a sexy blouse or as if he was going to win a business deal not by his intelligence but by scaring the competitors with his biceps), his computer generated toned body (come on, you are Amir not Salman, thankfully), the endless songs that started at the drop of a hat and the sheer elastic length of the movie, saala itna kheecha phir bhi khatam hi nahi hota.
    The only saving grace was Mr. Ghajini himself. I awoke from my stupor only when he came on screen. I was almost cheering when he busted Asin's head and was hoping in the end he emerges the victor but was letdown again when Amir busted his head instead. After watching Rang De Basanti and Taarein Zameen Par and after all the hype of Ghajini I was expecting something much more engaging. Something that kept me on the edge of my seat by its intelligence (like Memento from which Ghajini is supposedly copied) and not by heads being smashed with iron rods. If you like that kind of stuff (and I do too but at a much gorier level) watch Hostel by Eli Roth and many more like those. In such movies you know what you are going in for and you get exactly that. You don't feel cheated. 
    In Ghajini I felt cheated by Amir. I was like the sage Vishwamitra who was calm and happy because I had mastered the art of saving lots of money by steering clear of watching horrible Bollywood movies in expensive theaters. But then came along Amir in the form of Menka the seductress. He performed a nangaa naach showing off his six-pack abs and tatoos in the previews and glimpses of how thrilling this movie is going to be. It broke my meditation and forced me to buy the tickets and then he fed me this horrendous tamasha and after seeing my sorry face and empty wallet rolled on the floor laughing and screaming "yay tereko chutiya banayaa, yay yay yay!".

Chaila dus dollar barbaad. Huh.