Sunday, March 1, 2009

Batuk Chand

There is a security guard outside a famous bar in Irla,Andheri. Most of you may have seen this bar but may have never been inside because it is a "ladies" bar. This guard is interesting because he is about 2 and a half feet tall. He is a fully grown man but short. Little people they say as a euphemism. This is also strange because this is a ladies bar, a place where testosterone runs high, middle aged men who are mostly well to do and some not so well to do, all married with kids, holding respectable positions in society, bored with their wives, high on the smell of money and horny as hell get drunk and get nasty. How in the world do they expect this guy to break a fight as it usually breaks out. Out of curiosity I asked him one day -
Me - Batuk Chand kaise ko jee. (How are you)
Batuk (smiling) - Bus bhaijaan, masti chal rahi hain. Aap batao. (Just being naughty brother.)
Me - Kuch tamasha hua aaj? (Any fight broke out today)
Batuk (engulfed in smoke coming from my mouth) - Haan woh Bharat bhai ne aaj phir Tania Junior ko propose kiya . (Customer proposed a girl again today for marriage!)
Me (a little surprised that he was a Gujarati) - Woh Bharat Mehta? Gujarati? Arrey uski to shaadi ho chuki hain naa?
Batuk - Arrey "phipty parsant" se jyaada idhar Gujarati bhailog aatein hain. Sub ki shaadi ho chuki hain. (more then fifty percent here are Gujarati, a language my folks speak, so kinda like my community)
Me - waah ri duniya, yeh bataa re, tereko kaise jamta hain yeh bewdey logon ko control karneka? (how can you control these drunkards). Woh sub terese minimum double size ke hain. (they are twice your size)
Batuk - arrey size ka kya karega bhaijaan, lund bhi to badaa hona chahiye naa? Mera sub se badaa hain. Mereko teen (three) paav (legs) hain. (My penis is bigger than them all. So big that I have three legs.)
Me (embarassed imagining Batuk balanced on a tripod) - Arrey yaar, kya bol rahaa hain. (what are you talking about dude.). Achha bataa, yeh sub log idhar kyon aatein hain?
Batuk - seedhi baat hain bhaijaan, aur kuch karne ko nahi hain, life mein aur koi interest nahi, kitaab padhte nahi honge, duniya ki kuch jyaada padi nahi hain, logon ki parvah nahi, jee rahein hain, pee rahein hain, nashe mein jhoom rahein hain. Pahle ladki, phir daaru, phir charas gangaa, (Not much to do in their lives, no interests, no tension, no reading, so they are always looking for the next high, sex, alcohol, drugs, etc.)
Me - waah kya baat kahi hain. Chal meri bus aa gayee, mein jaata hoon. Engineering drawing assignment hain mera kal. (Good philosophy dude, my bus is here, I have a heavy load of engineering drawing to finish tonight.)

He made good company while I waited for the bus sometimes. Batuk Chand. Interesting guy. He was the only earner and had like 5 kids if my memory serves me right.

Another was old Mohammed bhai, outside Sinhal's classes. Bright red hair (natural red head) and bright red beard (artificially dyed). He was always looking after the students waiting like cattle outside their classes at 7 in the morning. Making sure we were all right. Soothing influence. Always remembered my name. Pulkit. Always coerced me to stop smoking. He was a cool guy. Saw him after a long time, had grown much older. Couldn't recognize me.


Smruti said...

you used to smoke? i always suspected it. me and karan used to gossip about it all the time.

Pulkit said...

Dear Reader , Please read the disclaimer carefully. Many things in this blog could be fabricated. Take this blog with a pinch of salt, no, rock of salt, no, glacier of salt. Punkass Smruti.