Saturday, August 25, 2007

Things that make you gay

One poor desi intern working for us was shocked when an American friend of his called him gay. He didn't understad why he was declared as gay - he religiously leches at girls from his apartment window and performs all other normal activities that a hot blooded, moustached, penniless, intelligent Tamilian scavenging desi buffets and writing software like mad should be doing. The reason he was called gay was because he enjoys classical music. He came up to me with a heavy heart and an open mind. He wanted to get rid of all those things that made him gay. He wanted to be a man's man. I explained to him the concept of "gay" in this country. Just desiring women will not cure you of your gayness. You have to be very careful of the subtle things you do that can make you gay. I gave him a few tips which I am presenting here for all the desi men who like women but are considered gay.
You *are* gay in the US if you.....
...are desi.
...don't live in Texas.
...listen to classical music or Britney Spears or Justin Timberlake and the likes.
...drive a hybrid vehicle or a honda or toyota (pickup trucks excluded)
...care about world peace.
...care about global warming or greenhouse effect.
...own an iPod Shuffle instead of the real iPod.
...can complete a sentence without fumbling for words.
...have a good vocabulary.
...don't fart or scratch your butt.
...respect womenkind.
...like wine.
...hate beer.
...don't smoke.
...play cricket or baseball.
...walk shoulder-in-shoulder with another guy (thanks anonymous poster)
...participate in Antakshari.
...riding double seat on a motor bike with another guy (thanks anonymous poster). I understand in India you were used to the warm comfortabe feeling of being behind another guy but here, don't do it.
more to come....

Friday, August 24, 2007

Aap ka Kusoor

Are a majority of Indians getting dumber by the day? Yea, sure, the booming economy and India Shining and American accent and consumerism and blah blah blah is all good, I get that. But the quality of movies that comes out of Bollywood, pretty much the only mode of mass entertainment for Indians, is getting so ridiculous that there are no expressions left to describe the deep scars they leave on your mind. In the past 10 years, try as I may, I can recount a total of only about 10 movies that have been a hit in India *and* are worth watching IMHO. Ok fine, everyone has different standards for good and crap but there has to be some amount of basic intelligence that an audience should demand in the movie. The type of desi movies that have done well is shocking. I thought about it quiet a bit and concluded that there can only be two reasons- either I (and my friends) are getting to be a bunch of old farts or Indians are getting dumber. To sort this out I gathered much courage and rented the movie "Aap Ka Suroor" by Himmesh Reshmiya the nasal-singing sensation. He is a hit in the music world, people love him, I've got no problems with that. The movie is a hit and I have got problems with that. I finished the movie in three sittings because otherwise I would have died of an overdose. The actors could not act even if their lives depended on it. Their facial expressions were just like the story; non-existent. There was supposed to be a suspense but it started and ended only in the last ten minutes and it wasn't really a suspense,but I don't want to go there as my blood pressure shoots up when I think about it. As expected, Himmesh did not take his cap off in the movie. Did you know he is bald? That guy has never taken his cap off in his whole life, ever. Even while he is getting beaten up and thrashed around, his cap never comes off. Even in the jail they have a special cap for him to match the jail clothes. Takla saala. The lead actress and comedian are better left undiscussed. I don't want to waste cyber space talking about them. In short it was a movie that should not have been made or watched. Its an insult to intelligence. Himmesh, I know you are reading this, chhote chhote bacche yeh blog padhte hain isiliye gaali nahi doonga. Pyaar mohobbat se samjhata hoon, teri maa ki, hum ko kya chu**ya samjha hain? Saale takle, gaana gaa, picture mat banaa. Mera paisa aur timepass waapis kar.
Yet, its a hit. I cannot believe this. The movie critics are also *not* declaring it as a POS that it is. They are giving it average to good ratings. I have seen old Mithun movies and even they were not this bad ( I was a Mithun fan for a brief moment). I can only arrive at one conclusion. The majority of Indians are getting dumber. Sorry.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Stop this madness !


Friday, August 10, 2007

Desi ko Pardesi chipkaya

A major fiasco happened within the Maharashtra government recently. A report on the state of poverty in Maharashtra was published by a research team. The front page of the report showed pictures of such horribly malnourished kids that it wasn't funny anymore. It was like they got a bare skeleton and covered it up with tight ragged leather to substitute for skin. The entire government was shocked, especially the chief minister. After some investigation it turned out that the dumbasses had just picked up some pics of malnourished African kids for their report. After some embarassing apologies it was resolved and the copies of the report were withdrawn.
It kinda reminds me of another fiasco that happened in my ex-company. After the tsunami hit the Indian continent in 2004 I urged my ex-company to donate to the relief efforts. I told them that there are seriously legitimate, minimal overhead organizations like AID, Asha, etc. who will ensure that the money will be utilized most efficiently. My ex-CEO agreed to donate 100K Dollars (yes $100,000) because the company was doing quite well at that time; a great gesture nevertheless. But they decided to shun my suggestions and donated to some "Human-Relief" organization. I had never heard of it. But, whatever. A few months went by. Then one evening I saw a flyer posted on our company's notice board. It was by the Human-Relief guys. It had a picture of a woman on a camel in a desert, wearing distinctly un-Indian clothes. It stated "Thank you for donating to the fund. Your money has made a big difference to the people in Afghanistan... blah blah blah...". Wait! What! AFGHANISTAN?!?! WTF? I told the management about the blunder. I explained to them that Afghanistan was not affected by the Tsunami. Afghanistan needed a lot of water and they would actually benefit from a Tsunami. India and Afghanistan are not the same countries! What to do now, khel khatam paisa hazam. They quietly removed the flyer from the notice board.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Subprime mortgage crisis

I could never figure how the pretty Jessica at the front desk or the scruffy John clearing the trash at my office could afford a house or for that matter the cars they drive or the vacations they take. They don't make nearly as much as I do. Who loaned them such huge amounts of money to buy a house and how could they even afford the monthly mortgage. How the heck can they buy all these things, my middle-class Indian mind could never comprehend. Some of my questions were finally answered after the subprime mortgage crisis hit the US markets in the past couple weeks, of course, causing a lot of loss to my investments. Basically subprime loans are given to people with bad credit history i.e. people who are careless about money. We all have done our mistakes with our money but these people have really screwed up with other people's money (read loans). Banks want to give these screwed up people big loans but they also charge high interest rates to hedge against the risk that these people will screw up again. Banks think that if enough people pay higher interests then its a good strategy against the few who will default on their payments. Banks entice people by giving low interest payments for the first couple years (so the monthly payments seem artificially low) and then jack up the interest rates to absurd levels. Obviously, John and Jessica can't pay these loans so they default and their houses are foreclosed. Couple that with the housing market not doing so great (so the house cannot be sold easily again) and the bank just lost a shitload of money. So it turns out that 2 years ago a lot of subprime loans were given out and right about now is the time when John and Jessica will not pay the mortgage. Hence the current crisis. Whether or not it will cause a recession in the US economy remains to be seen. Some experts say that the US economy is not dependant on housing alone and this crisis will pass without much lasting damage. But the signs sure do point towards some major ass whooping in the near term.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Begging for your life.

Just saw a movie "Parzania" about the Godhra (Gujarat) riots. I had almost forgotten about the horror. In short, a train carrying Hindus was burnt by a Muslim mob. The Hindus retaliated with ten times more violence. The Gujarat government and the police actually supported and organized the butchering of Muslims. One picture said it all. A Muslim man begging for his life about to be butchered. How does it feel when a mob is upon you hungry for your blood? Do you fight back or beg for your life? Do you think that if you say something smart or funny they might spare you?

Friday, August 3, 2007

Dreamy eyed teens

Taken from a real chat session with a Dreamy Eyed Teenager mistaking Bollywood for reality.

Dreamy Eyed Teenager: hey
Pulkit Desai: yo
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: will u join a yahoo group for me please
Pulkit Desai: depends on which one
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: its to support sanjay dutt
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: http://movies.groups.yahoo.com/group/SanjuSupporters/
Pulkit Desai: but I actually supported the indian police for jailing sanjay dutt.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: omg
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: y
Pulkit Desai: because he is a criminal.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: no he is not
Pulkit Desai: he was involved in the bomb blasts during mumbai 1992. I was there at that time. I know it.
Pulkit Desai: hundreds of people were killed
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: it was 1993
Pulkit Desai: my dad almost got killed.
Pulkit Desai: yea 1993, whatever. it was real then.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: he didnt do it
Pulkit Desai: oh really
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: he got involved
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: he has just kept weapons
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: and i dont know y he did that
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: he doesnt deserve 6 yrs of jail for keeping weapons
Pulkit Desai: of course he was involved, there is proof.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: he didnt do the bombing
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: seeing him in 14yrs.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: there is a big difference in him
Pulkit Desai: why does that matter, he could have stopped the bombing by reporting it and many lives would have been saved.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: judge should had forgiven him
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: those underworld ppl were prob. blackmailing him
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: who knows
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: sanju is a real nice guy
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: i have met him face to face
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: even though his daughter was in NY
Pulkit Desai: he is a criminal and he needs to be jailed.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: he still kept in touch with her
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: the night before the court date
Pulkit Desai: I am going to start a group to keep him in jail.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: they talked for along time at night
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: he even called her before entering the court
Pulkit Desai: so what
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: omg ur so not doing that
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: if u dont wanna join my group thats fine
Pulkit Desai: what about the thousands of kids who became orphans due to the blasts
Pulkit Desai: 6 years is a small punishment.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: but ur not making a group to keep in jail
Pulkit Desai: if you guys are trying to free a criminal, then somebody has to counter that.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: my point is that 6 yrs. is too much
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: and my mom was saying that he served 1 and half yrs. in 1993
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: so that will be minus from 6
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: so its going to be less
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: and the sad part is that he doesnt get any special treatment in jail
Pulkit Desai: doesn't matter, he was a part of a conspiracy, he could have saved many lives if he told the police about the bombs, due to him many people died, so he is very responsible for it.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: as i said he could be gettin blackmailed
Pulkit Desai: rite.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: yeah i kno im rite
Pulkit Desai: yup.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: so ur not joining my group
Pulkit Desai: of course not. I don't support criminals.
Pulkit Desai: you would have known if someone you knew got killed in the bombings.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: i guess
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: sanjay dutt has been my fav. actor
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: so i just cant see him suffering
Pulkit Desai: actor is not equal to God.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: he is a very kind hearted guy
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: wen i found out he got jailed i was cryin and i was so upset
Pulkit Desai: most of the film industry is involved with the criminals who have caused a lot of violence and deaths.
Pulkit Desai: so don't feel sad for him. be happy that the indian system did the right thing.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: sunil and srk r helpin out with petitions
Pulkit Desai: their petitions will be thrown in a trash can
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: who knows
Pulkit Desai: law is law. It can't be changed for some stars.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: it mite
Pulkit Desai: yea, the judges are going to look at your yahoo groups and make their decisions.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: yaarr be nice

Why Republican?

I've gotten asked why do I think I am a Republican. Daily reports of violence and bloodshed around the world do not affect me (it used to). I just skip over to the business section. I do not relate to poverty anymore (I used to). I don't recycle and don't have any plans on living eco-friendly. I find myself aligning with the powerful and ignoring the powerless. All this I am not seeking out actively but it still happens. And if I am not a part of the solution then I am a part of the problem. Hence I am Republican. If you can't beat them, join them.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Haai Ram !

I am a republican. Cannot believe it. Yeh kya, kaise, kab, kyun ho gayaa re baapu. Kamine yeh bolne se pahle teri zabaan jal kyon nahi gayi, kaan phat kyon nahi gaye. Tu to saala American bhi nahi hain !