Things that make you gay

One poor desi intern working for us was shocked when an American friend of his called him gay. He didn't understad why he was declared as gay - he religiously leches at girls from his apartment window and performs all other normal activities that a hot blooded, moustached, penniless, intelligent Tamilian scavenging desi buffets and writing software like mad should be doing. The reason he was called gay was because he enjoys classical music. He came up to me with a heavy heart and an open mind. He wanted to get rid of all those things that made him gay. He wanted to be a man's man. I explained to him the concept of "gay" in this country. Just desiring women will not cure you of your gayness. You have to be very careful of the subtle things you do that can make you gay. I gave him a few tips which I am presenting here for all the desi men who like women but are considered gay.
You *are* gay in the US if you.....
...are desi.
...don't live in Texas.
...listen to classical music or Britney Spears or Justin Timberlake and the likes.
...drive a hybrid vehicle or a honda or toyota (pickup trucks excluded)
...recycle.
...care about world peace.
...care about global warming or greenhouse effect.
...own an iPod Shuffle instead of the real iPod.
...can complete a sentence without fumbling for words.
...have a good vocabulary.
...don't fart or scratch your butt.
...respect womenkind.
...like wine.
...hate beer.
...don't smoke.
...play cricket or baseball.

...walk shoulder-in-shoulder with another guy (thanks anonymous poster)

...participate in Antakshari.

...riding double seat on a motor bike with another guy (thanks anonymous poster). I understand in India you were used to the warm comfortabe feeling of being behind another guy but here, don't do it.
more to come....

Aap ka Kusoor

Are a majority of Indians getting dumber by the day? Yea, sure, the booming economy and India Shining and American accent and consumerism and blah blah blah is all good, I get that. But the quality of movies that comes out of Bollywood, pretty much the only mode of mass entertainment for Indians, is getting so ridiculous that there are no expressions left to describe the deep scars they leave on your mind. In the past 10 years, try as I may, I can recount a total of only about 10 movies that have been a hit in India *and* are worth watching IMHO. Ok fine, everyone has different standards for good and crap but there has to be some amount of basic intelligence that an audience should demand in the movie. The type of desi movies that have done well is shocking. I thought about it quiet a bit and concluded that there can only be two reasons- either I (and my friends) are getting to be a bunch of old farts or Indians are getting dumber. To sort this out I gathered much courage and rented the movie "Aap Ka Suroor" by Himmesh Reshmiya the nasal-singing sensation. He is a hit in the music world, people love him, I've got no problems with that. The movie is a hit and I have got problems with that. I finished the movie in three sittings because otherwise I would have died of an overdose. The actors could not act even if their lives depended on it. Their facial expressions were just like the story; non-existent. There was supposed to be a suspense but it started and ended only in the last ten minutes and it wasn't really a suspense,but I don't want to go there as my blood pressure shoots up when I think about it. As expected, Himmesh did not take his cap off in the movie. Did you know he is bald? That guy has never taken his cap off in his whole life, ever. Even while he is getting beaten up and thrashed around, his cap never comes off. Even in the jail they have a special cap for him to match the jail clothes. Takla saala. The lead actress and comedian are better left undiscussed. I don't want to waste cyber space talking about them. In short it was a movie that should not have been made or watched. Its an insult to intelligence. Himmesh, I know you are reading this, chhote chhote bacche yeh blog padhte hain isiliye gaali nahi doonga. Pyaar mohobbat se samjhata hoon, teri maa ki, hum ko kya chu**ya samjha hain? Saale takle, gaana gaa, picture mat banaa. Mera paisa aur timepass waapis kar.

Yet, its a hit. I cannot believe this. The movie critics are also *not* declaring it as a POS that it is. They are giving it average to good ratings. I have seen old Mithun movies and even they were not this bad ( I was a Mithun fan for a brief moment). I can only arrive at one conclusion. The majority of Indians are getting dumber. Sorry.

Stop this madness !

THE MARKETS ARE CRASHING. THE SKY IS FALLING. MY AMERICAN DREAM IS ABOUT TO GET CRUSHED. SOMEBODY STOP THIS FREE FALL !

Desi ko Pardesi chipkaya

A major fiasco happened within the Maharashtra government recently. A report on the state of poverty in Maharashtra was published by a research team. The front page of the report showed pictures of such horribly malnourished kids that it wasn't funny anymore. It was like they got a bare skeleton and covered it up with tight ragged leather to substitute for skin. The entire government was shocked, especially the chief minister. After some investigation it turned out that the dumbasses had just picked up some pics of malnourished African kids for their report. After some embarassing apologies it was resolved and the copies of the report were withdrawn.
It kinda reminds me of another fiasco that happened in my ex-company. After the tsunami hit the Indian continent in 2004 I urged my ex-company to donate to the relief efforts. I told them that there are seriously legitimate, minimal overhead organizations like AID, Asha, etc. who will ensure that the money will be utilized most efficiently. My ex-CEO agreed to donate 100K Dollars (yes $100,000) because the company was doing quite well at that time; a great gesture nevertheless. But they decided to shun my suggestions and donated to some "Human-Relief" organization. I had never heard of it. But, whatever. A few months went by. Then one evening I saw a flyer posted on our company's notice board. It was by the Human-Relief guys. It had a picture of a woman on a camel in a desert, wearing distinctly un-Indian clothes. It stated "Thank you for donating to the fund. Your money has made a big difference to the people in Afghanistan... blah blah blah...". Wait! What! AFGHANISTAN?!?! WTF? I told the management about the blunder. I explained to them that Afghanistan was not affected by the Tsunami. Afghanistan needed a lot of water and they would actually benefit from a Tsunami. India and Afghanistan are not the same countries! What to do now, khel khatam paisa hazam. They quietly removed the flyer from the notice board.

Subprime mortgage crisis

I could never figure how the pretty Jessica at the front desk or the scruffy John clearing the trash at my office could afford a house or for that matter the cars they drive or the vacations they take. They don't make nearly as much as I do. Who loaned them such huge amounts of money to buy a house and how could they even afford the monthly mortgage. How the heck can they buy all these things, my middle-class Indian mind could never comprehend. Some of my questions were finally answered after the subprime mortgage crisis hit the US markets in the past couple weeks, of course, causing a lot of loss to my investments. Basically subprime loans are given to people with bad credit history i.e. people who are careless about money. We all have done our mistakes with our money but these people have really screwed up with other people's money (read loans). Banks want to give these screwed up people big loans but they also charge high interest rates to hedge against the risk that these people will screw up again. Banks think that if enough people pay higher interests then its a good strategy against the few who will default on their payments. Banks entice people by giving low interest payments for the first couple years (so the monthly payments seem artificially low) and then jack up the interest rates to absurd levels. Obviously, John and Jessica can't pay these loans so they default and their houses are foreclosed. Couple that with the housing market not doing so great (so the house cannot be sold easily again) and the bank just lost a shitload of money. So it turns out that 2 years ago a lot of subprime loans were given out and right about now is the time when John and Jessica will not pay the mortgage. Hence the current crisis. Whether or not it will cause a recession in the US economy remains to be seen. Some experts say that the US economy is not dependant on housing alone and this crisis will pass without much lasting damage. But the signs sure do point towards some major ass whooping in the near term.

Begging for your life.

Just saw a movie "Parzania" about the Godhra (Gujarat) riots. I had almost forgotten about the horror. In short, a train carrying Hindus was burnt by a Muslim mob. The Hindus retaliated with ten times more violence. The Gujarat government and the police actually supported and organized the butchering of Muslims. One picture said it all. A Muslim man begging for his life about to be butchered. How does it feel when a mob is upon you hungry for your blood? Do you fight back or beg for your life? Do you think that if you say something smart or funny they might spare you?

Dreamy eyed teens

Taken from a real chat session with a Dreamy Eyed Teenager mistaking Bollywood for reality.

Dreamy Eyed Teenager: hey
Pulkit Desai: yo
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: will u join a yahoo group for me please
Pulkit Desai: depends on which one
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: its to support sanjay dutt
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: http://movies.groups.yahoo.com/group/SanjuSupporters/
Pulkit Desai: but I actually supported the indian police for jailing sanjay dutt.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: omg
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: y
Pulkit Desai: because he is a criminal.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: no he is not
Pulkit Desai: he was involved in the bomb blasts during mumbai 1992. I was there at that time. I know it.
Pulkit Desai: hundreds of people were killed
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: it was 1993
Pulkit Desai: my dad almost got killed.
Pulkit Desai: yea 1993, whatever. it was real then.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: he didnt do it
Pulkit Desai: oh really
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: he got involved
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: he has just kept weapons
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: and i dont know y he did that
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: he doesnt deserve 6 yrs of jail for keeping weapons
Pulkit Desai: of course he was involved, there is proof.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: he didnt do the bombing
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: seeing him in 14yrs.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: there is a big difference in him
Pulkit Desai: why does that matter, he could have stopped the bombing by reporting it and many lives would have been saved.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: judge should had forgiven him
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: those underworld ppl were prob. blackmailing him
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: who knows
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: sanju is a real nice guy
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: i have met him face to face
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: even though his daughter was in NY
Pulkit Desai: he is a criminal and he needs to be jailed.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: he still kept in touch with her
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: the night before the court date
Pulkit Desai: I am going to start a group to keep him in jail.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: they talked for along time at night
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: he even called her before entering the court
Pulkit Desai: so what
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: omg ur so not doing that
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: if u dont wanna join my group thats fine
Pulkit Desai: what about the thousands of kids who became orphans due to the blasts
Pulkit Desai: 6 years is a small punishment.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: but ur not making a group to keep in jail
Pulkit Desai: if you guys are trying to free a criminal, then somebody has to counter that.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: my point is that 6 yrs. is too much
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: and my mom was saying that he served 1 and half yrs. in 1993
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: so that will be minus from 6
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: so its going to be less
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: and the sad part is that he doesnt get any special treatment in jail
Pulkit Desai: doesn't matter, he was a part of a conspiracy, he could have saved many lives if he told the police about the bombs, due to him many people died, so he is very responsible for it.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: as i said he could be gettin blackmailed
Pulkit Desai: rite.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: yeah i kno im rite
Pulkit Desai: yup.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: so ur not joining my group
Pulkit Desai: of course not. I don't support criminals.
Pulkit Desai: you would have known if someone you knew got killed in the bombings.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: i guess
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: sanjay dutt has been my fav. actor
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: so i just cant see him suffering
Pulkit Desai: actor is not equal to God.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: he is a very kind hearted guy
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: wen i found out he got jailed i was cryin and i was so upset
Pulkit Desai: most of the film industry is involved with the criminals who have caused a lot of violence and deaths.
Pulkit Desai: so don't feel sad for him. be happy that the indian system did the right thing.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: sunil and srk r helpin out with petitions
Pulkit Desai: their petitions will be thrown in a trash can
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: who knows
Pulkit Desai: law is law. It can't be changed for some stars.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: it mite
Pulkit Desai: yea, the judges are going to look at your yahoo groups and make their decisions.
Dreamy Eyed Teenager: yaarr be nice

Why Republican?

I've gotten asked why do I think I am a Republican. Daily reports of violence and bloodshed around the world do not affect me (it used to). I just skip over to the business section. I do not relate to poverty anymore (I used to). I don't recycle and don't have any plans on living eco-friendly. I find myself aligning with the powerful and ignoring the powerless. All this I am not seeking out actively but it still happens. And if I am not a part of the solution then I am a part of the problem. Hence I am Republican. If you can't beat them, join them.

Haai Ram !

I am a republican. Cannot believe it. Yeh kya, kaise, kab, kyun ho gayaa re baapu. Kamine yeh bolne se pahle teri zabaan jal kyon nahi gayi, kaan phat kyon nahi gaye. Tu to saala American bhi nahi hain !

Gujarati Naatak.

Watched a Gujarati naatak today "Baa-ay maari boundary" (daadi ne maara chauka). I actually am in the midst of bone-crushing work deadlines but decided to screw it all and go for the naatak. My second naatak. First one was when I was like fifteen. Remember it to be very engrossing even at that age. But somehow never saw a naatak again. Saw a lot of junk but never naataks. Watching a naatak was not cool (read gay) back then. But now, being gay is so cool. So watching a naatak is not uncool anymore. I digress.
The drama starts with the narrator announcing to shut off mobiles and kids. The first scene starts, the main characters are acting. A minute goes by and the crowd in the back seats raises a storm. Avaaj nathi! (can't hear you!) , mike! mike! The actor continues acting as if nothing happened. The crowd does not relent. The actor gives up and starts convincing the crowd that once your noise dies down you will hear everything. He starts testing the mikes. In the spirit of the moment, one aunty decides to take the lead and screams "ben no avaaj check karo" (let the lady also test the mike). At this point the crowd cracks up. The actor is visibly irritated. He says, don't shout, I can shout louder and funnier than you. A little tu tu main main ensues between the actor and the audience which is pretty hilarious. In the end they all settle down and the actor resumes the play. After fighting with the crowd he ends up giving a good performance for the very same crowd.
The drama was basically about a plain-jane housewife treated miserably by her family because she knows nothing and then tansforms, with the help of her grandson from America, into this model for various ads and regains her identity and ego. The drama was mostly slapstick comedy (pretty funny in Gujarati though) interspersed with true desi style emotionally charged dialogues about how you should respect your parents and how any sad and lonely person has hidden talent and can change overnight into something great. They hit the right chord with the audience because a majorty of them were housewives. In the end they all unite and live as one big happy family forever. The drama has been performed 335 times. Imagine doing the same role over and over again.
Anyways, it was a good break from work and junk movies. For reasons unknown I'll see the next drama after ten more years pass by.

Promise

Just re-read the beautiful gems that I've been writing. What a lousy bitter cynical bitch am I. I promise to write good stuff.

Mumbai Dabbawallas

Enough with the dabbawallas already. A million and forty seven articles have been written in excruciating detail about their greatness. All management schools practically worship them. If you are an MBA student you gotta have atleast one picture of you wearing a gandhi-topi and posing with them. Prince Charles invited them for his wedding or something. What are they getting in return? Are they charging any fees to distribute their wisdom? Can they increase their charges for dabba delivery? Do people give them more room in trains to ease their discomfort? Do cars stop by to let them pass on the streets? Is the Mumbai public really enamoured by them? Are their standards of living getting better? Are they taking real advantage of the so called "skill" that they have? Will they be able to afford good education for their kids? No. The rude reality is that they are poor and will remain poor. The world will keep praising them and they will keep getting poorer. Its like a consolation prize, "hey, we won't we won't make it any better for you but we will write about you and treat you like God". Majboori ka naam Mahatma Gandhi.

Newton's law of inertia

I am thoroughly convinced that Newton was correct. Not only in physics but in all aspects of existence. What is happening currently will keep happening unless something drastic is done to change it. Rich will get richer, poor will get poorer. Happy people will get happier, sad people will get sadder. Developing countries will get all the problems of the world and the developed ones will get all the benefits. Escalating violence in poor but oil-rich countries will make the wealthy countries wealthier. Heck, in one report even global warming is supposed to bring in a fortune to rich countries (because it makes the weather in colder places milder, increasing tourism, economy, etc.) and will make the poor countries suffer. Natural disasters will hit poor countries more often and more seriously than rich countries. In terms of people I know, the poor ones always seem to have more problems than the rich ones (and I mean real problems, not flimsy issues like love, heartbreak, etc.).

Basically if you are lagging in a race in the beginning you will typically lag forever. If your grades are not good in the first few semesters of your education, they will not be any different in the future. If you are fat you will continue to grow fatter. If your company is struggling for business , it will continue to struggle. If its doing well, it will continue so.

.....unless something drastic happens to change the course of your progression (and some companies and people can do that) you will not get out of your misery (or opulence) anytime soon. Newton rocks.

Work, Work, Work

Its Friday evening. My wife is with her aunt. She is supposed to pick me up later. I have 2 hours and nothing to do. A lot to be done but nothing to do. I see some people running around the hallway looking important. There are always people running around at work. I don't recall ever running around. I wonder why. Is it because I just work better or is it because I work lesser? There are times when I absolutely do not work. 2 hours (sometimes more) per day. I wonder if they all have times like these. I want to ask them but since I've just started the job I can't act stupid. Maybe later.

I wonder how many people love their jobs. I mean really love their jobs. Like every morning they get excited about work and have everything planned out for the day. How must that feel. Looking forward to work. Having a thousand ideas for improvement, to be more productive, faster, better. Out of all the people I know, I can say a total of one may fall in that category. Everybody else I know is just doing a job. Considering you spend 75% of your waking time at work, and considering that I have about 30 more years of work left, can life really be that boring? Does it have to be? Are you wiling to take a risk to change it? Do something you like to do? Be one of those shiny, happy people? Work as if thats what you were born to do?

Naah.

You have great potential

I can't remember the exact place, time or occasion when I finally accepted the fact that I am not going to accomplish anything ground-breaking or life-changing in my life. Kaun bola thaa, this guy has great potential? Uski tho !

Letting go.

I finally did it. Dumped all the stocks, at a massive loss, of the company that I was in love with forever. Its like letting go of unreciprocated love. Hurts like hell. They say letting go is supposed to make your heart feel lighter. Can't say about the heart but my wallet sure feels much lighter. Total personal loss around 140K USD and change.

I read the monstrous book by fucking Warren Buffet, the greatest investor ever, so they say. The Ingelligent Investor it was called. I felt extremely intelligent after reading the book and many other "great investment" books, much to the chagrin of my wife. At that time I ignored her irritation. Her argument was simple - if we could become rich by reading investment books then everybody in the world would be rich. Ha! What does she know about money, I would think. I followed every piece of advice about "need to focus, not diversify" and "buy low, sell high" etc. etc. Armed and ready with information I began to focus. What better than the company you know in and out about. I focussed so much that at the peak of focussing all my money, and I mean ALL my money, was invested in the one company, that screwed up eventually. The initial going was good. The stock nearly rose ten-fold in the beginning. I felt that I have made the best decision of my life. I was a half-millionaire. Everyone around me begged me sell it off and be happy with what I got. But no. I wanted to be a millionaire. I knew the stock would double and get me to the millinoaire's club. And then the downfall started. The stock dropped and fucking Warren Buffet told me to "buy low, sell high" so I bought more. And it fell further and I bought more. The more it fell the more I bought. My days went by in a dizzy. At one point I was putting in 10K, 20K dollars as the stock continued falling. Months were spent browsing all possible news about the company. I wasted around 2 years immersed in analyzing and re-analyzing the company, thinking this drop is just temporary and dreaming about what will happen when it picks up and then I can sell all these shares at record profits. Work sufferred terribly(what do you expect when all my time is spent on yahoo finance message boards). Lost confidence in my own basic skills, engineering. Its like an elongated period of time that just goes by when you don't remember what exactly you were doing. Analyzing 5 cent ups and downs in the stock price, analyzing volumes, analyzing after hours trading and what not, to fish out information that only I would understand. Information that means nothing in this randomness that they call the stock market.

Finally, I dumped it all. Massive loss. Mental stress took a toll on my health. Its strange you never think that you could be stressed. But stressed as hell I was. Gaand-faat stress. Quit my job. Started a new job. Started working out. Life changed for the better. Its all good now. My new company is doing quite well. The stock is looking great. I wonder if I should buy. Let me analyze the company......

I've gotten myself a blog

Will write something, someday.

Orkut testimonials

The intensity of praises (ek doosre ki lal karo) on Orkut is mind boggling. Every testimonial on chirkut claims that that person is "sweetest", "one of the sweetest", "there for me", "stood by me", and sometimes simply "is good" or "is nice". Guys are surpassing girls in praising each other. Brothers find their sisters cutest, sisters find their brothers even cuter. One dude even called his sister sexy. Everybody is ambitious, bold, open, perfect. Good person. You are good. I am nice. We all are the best. Group hug now.